A recent study
found that toddlers with permissive parents had more than double the risk of
internalizing behaviors (having anxiety or somatic complaints) and triple the
risk of externalizing behaviors (bullying or being destructive) compared to
peers whose parents used an authoritative or authoritarian parenting
styles. The fact parenting styles could
influence the long term behavior and development of children was first hypothesized
by Dr. Baumrind
in 1967. She described three styles of
parenting: authoritative, authoritarian,
and permissive.
Authoritative
parents, also known as democratic, are those with high demands and high levels
of responsiveness to their children. Their
children tend to be happy, confident, independent and have better mental health
overall. Authoritarian parents are those
with high expectations yet low responsiveness to their children. This style
produces children who are unhappy, insecure, and have more behavior
problems.
Permissive
parents, also known as indulgent, place few demands on their child, yet are
highly responsive to every whim. These
children have difficulty following rules, poor self-control, and struggle with
emotional self-regulation. As a group, they
tend to withdraw socially, have the highest risk of developing mental health disorders,
and are more likely to become addicted to drugs or alcohol.
Parenting
is never easy. It is like navigating one
thousand miles through a tunnel with uneven terrain while blindfolded. Sometimes, using our “gut instinct” to wing
it is all we can do; the story below is one example which comes to mind.
A
little over a year ago, my strong-willed daughter needed a slight adjustment in
attitude. We were driving home from the
dance studio close to our home. “I don’t
like my dance bag and I want a new one.”
I was quiet. “You are going to
buy me a new one because I said so.” I was
pondering a suitable response. “I don’t
like you and I don’t like my dance bag. I want a new mom and a new bag.” My reaction to her outburst needed to leave a
lasting impression.
There
is a park and ride between the dance studio and our home. After turning into the parking lot and
swinging a U-turn, I pulled up next to the covered bus stop. Putting the car in park, I opened the minivan
side door and tossed the dance bag outside onto the ground. “What are you doing?” she demanded. “You
said you did not like your bag, we should leave it here for another little girl
who would love a bag like this, so she can take it home.”
Eyeing
me suspiciously, she gently unclipped her car seat straps, and got out of the
minivan to retrieve her dance bag. I
continued, “While we are at it, I think you would be happier if a different mother
was raising you. Why don’t you get out
and wait here (at the covered stop) until you find another mother you like better
who wants to take you home?”
Reaching
down to pick up her dance bag off the ground, I began to close the van door,
knowing the child safety feature would not allow complete closure. This really got her attention. She grabbed the bag, used her body to block
the door, and hopped back into the van. “Wait!
I want you as my mother.” She even wanted
to go home with me. Skeptical, I clarified,
“Are you sure? It means you must commit
to being my daughter from now on?” She
nodded.
We
drove home in silence. I was wondering if
my approach had been over the top; she was reflecting on the event also. As we pulled into the garage, she said “Mom,
I am sorry for what I said to you. I do want you to be my mother. Can you promise never to drop me off at the
park and ride again?” I smiled before responding, “Ok. I promise never to leave
you at the park and ride again, but the next time you tell me you want a new mother,
I might try the mall instead.” Having an incredible sense of humor, my daughter
giggled and gave me a hug. I returned her affection heartily.
While an
unconventional example of the authoritativeness, high demands were made; after
all, she had to pick out a mother (symbolically, at least) for herself. This was balanced by a high degree of
responsiveness on my part in supporting her choice. Be
authoritative whenever possible, remember to “mix it up” sporadically to avoid being
predictable, and be open to learning a great deal from mistakes along the
way. Raising a child who is independent,
determined, and clever has many challenges, but I would not have it any other
way. Apparently, neither would she.